I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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