I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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