when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
