Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Someone shit on the floor
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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