So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
