I wish I could teleport
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
