i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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