if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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