dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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