just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
