Non-Jews are for practice
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
