im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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