are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
