oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
