Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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