I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
