pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
