you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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