It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
