Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
