I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
