Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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