I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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