A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
