Whod you bang
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
