Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
