Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
