I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
