Only a mothe r could love this liver
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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