I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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