there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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