# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
