i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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