Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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