listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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