I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
