I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
