you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
