do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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