My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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