I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
