Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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