yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
