take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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