All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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