sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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