I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
