it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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