Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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