hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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