Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
