Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I didn't notice because vodka
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
