I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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