New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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