Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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