Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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