I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
