Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
