I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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