if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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