am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
