things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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