i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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