Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
